Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I'm Struggling

I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, I only know that I am just going to sort of vomit it out through my fingers on the keyboard. It's probably not going to be pretty, or all that funny. What I do hope is that it is honest, and not too self-indulgent. So bear with me. 
I am struggling a lot lately. As you have probably noticed, I haven't been writing much. This is because, for the most part, I am a lazy blogger. I am attempting to juggle quite a few balls, and it turns out I'm not the best at juggling. Blogging is the ball that seems to drop first. 
It's not that I am having a lot of difficulties. I'm just struggling with the every day life that all of us lead. I have 2 boys taking up most of my energy, and so I sort of feel like my energy reserves have been depleted, and I just don't have the motivation or the desire to expend it on anything else. My house is usually a disaster, and I feel like I am not even doing that wonderful a job at parenting. Peanut is so independent that a lot of the time I am checking Facebook or making dinner or a myriad of other things that make me feel a bit like an absent parent. I am there but not THERE, you know? 
This is not meant to be a pity post about how I am not the Pinterest mom with the organized house, adorable outfits and perfect kiddos. We all know that is all just for show and people don't actually live like that...or if they do then they must be some sort of superhuman and/or bionic robot. I just mean to say that I am pretty sure that I am not doing my best. I think I am doing a decent job, but I know I could be doing better. 
So I am struggling to parent in the present moment. 
I am also struggling with my self-image. I treat my body pretty badly. I eat terribly, and very rarely am active at all. Then I feel pretty horrible when I still look pregnant with my mommy pooch. Logically I know that none of my self-worth is tied up in my appearance, and that I am most likely my harshest critic. The feminist in me rebels against wanting to look cute in this season's fashions and putting so much emphasis on my physical appearance...but this isn't logical at all. It's a purely emotional and irrational desire, and I'm struggling. I'm struggling to get the motivation to go to a yoga class. A class I know will make me feel 10000 times better, but then I would have to get dressed, and organized and head out. It's easier, so much easier, to stay home in my yoga pants and lounge on the couch eating DinoSours (not that I'm doing that RIGHT NOW or anything...noooooo....). 
So I am struggling to accept my body as it is. 
I'm struggling to keep my anxiety at bay. I haven't really shared much, but I struggle a bit with anxiety and depression in my life. I am on top of it for the most part, but some days are harder than others. I have yet to leave the house with both kids to go to the grocery store. It's been 5 months. I get my husband to get the groceries or go later when he's home. I am positive that if I go both kids will have a huge meltdown and all those shoppers will turn and look at me, and give me the evil eye and judge me to be a horrible mom. A horrible mom with annoying kids who just won't shut up. In my head I know this is not likely, and if it is, then screw 'em. But it's not a logical thing, anxiety. It's a crazy thing. A hard-to-control thing that sometimes gets the best of you. 
So I am struggling to stop worrying about the past and the future and just live in the moment. 
I am struggling with finances. Money is tight. I also realize this is not something many people talk about, and that I am probably breaking a million and one societal rules of etiquette by saying it. But it's true, and it's on my mind, and this post is about me writing what I am thinking without editing myself. So there it is: money is tight. It's a constant struggle, and I hate that so much of our happiness and stress levels rely on our bank account. I know that money doesn't buy happiness, but goodness is it ever hard to be happy without it. I would love to have many awesome things and go many awesome places like so many others, but we can't. I am not bitter about that, as it's our choice. I know how lucky we are to have what we do, and to have the lifestyle we have. But I just wish we were better at managing our finances so that it wasn't an issue. Because that is what it boils down to: we aren't good with money management at the moment. I am hoping we change this soon. 
So I am struggling to be more financially responsible. 
And I am struggling with this blog. Inspiration is hard to find lately, I won't lie. And even when I do have an idea, I usually choose watching TV over putting the work in here. 
So there it is. Reading back over this post, I realize that most of my struggles are emerging from not living in the now. I don't expect to solve all of this. Parenting, marriage, life itself...it's hard work. And sometimes when you live in Internet-land so much you get bombarded with posts and pictures and you start to think "Am I the only one who sucks at all this?". You aren't. And maybe you don't think that, but I do every now and then. So this post is what came from all of those thoughts bouncing around in my head. It doesn't really have much of a point I guess, but I felt like maybe being honest with the random void of the internet would maybe help in some way. 
So there you go, Random Internet Vortex. I give to you: my thoughts. Do with it what you will. 


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