Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I'm Struggling

I'm not sure where I want to go with this post, I only know that I am just going to sort of vomit it out through my fingers on the keyboard. It's probably not going to be pretty, or all that funny. What I do hope is that it is honest, and not too self-indulgent. So bear with me. 
I am struggling a lot lately. As you have probably noticed, I haven't been writing much. This is because, for the most part, I am a lazy blogger. I am attempting to juggle quite a few balls, and it turns out I'm not the best at juggling. Blogging is the ball that seems to drop first. 
It's not that I am having a lot of difficulties. I'm just struggling with the every day life that all of us lead. I have 2 boys taking up most of my energy, and so I sort of feel like my energy reserves have been depleted, and I just don't have the motivation or the desire to expend it on anything else. My house is usually a disaster, and I feel like I am not even doing that wonderful a job at parenting. Peanut is so independent that a lot of the time I am checking Facebook or making dinner or a myriad of other things that make me feel a bit like an absent parent. I am there but not THERE, you know? 
This is not meant to be a pity post about how I am not the Pinterest mom with the organized house, adorable outfits and perfect kiddos. We all know that is all just for show and people don't actually live like that...or if they do then they must be some sort of superhuman and/or bionic robot. I just mean to say that I am pretty sure that I am not doing my best. I think I am doing a decent job, but I know I could be doing better. 
So I am struggling to parent in the present moment. 
I am also struggling with my self-image. I treat my body pretty badly. I eat terribly, and very rarely am active at all. Then I feel pretty horrible when I still look pregnant with my mommy pooch. Logically I know that none of my self-worth is tied up in my appearance, and that I am most likely my harshest critic. The feminist in me rebels against wanting to look cute in this season's fashions and putting so much emphasis on my physical appearance...but this isn't logical at all. It's a purely emotional and irrational desire, and I'm struggling. I'm struggling to get the motivation to go to a yoga class. A class I know will make me feel 10000 times better, but then I would have to get dressed, and organized and head out. It's easier, so much easier, to stay home in my yoga pants and lounge on the couch eating DinoSours (not that I'm doing that RIGHT NOW or anything...noooooo....). 
So I am struggling to accept my body as it is. 
I'm struggling to keep my anxiety at bay. I haven't really shared much, but I struggle a bit with anxiety and depression in my life. I am on top of it for the most part, but some days are harder than others. I have yet to leave the house with both kids to go to the grocery store. It's been 5 months. I get my husband to get the groceries or go later when he's home. I am positive that if I go both kids will have a huge meltdown and all those shoppers will turn and look at me, and give me the evil eye and judge me to be a horrible mom. A horrible mom with annoying kids who just won't shut up. In my head I know this is not likely, and if it is, then screw 'em. But it's not a logical thing, anxiety. It's a crazy thing. A hard-to-control thing that sometimes gets the best of you. 
So I am struggling to stop worrying about the past and the future and just live in the moment. 
I am struggling with finances. Money is tight. I also realize this is not something many people talk about, and that I am probably breaking a million and one societal rules of etiquette by saying it. But it's true, and it's on my mind, and this post is about me writing what I am thinking without editing myself. So there it is: money is tight. It's a constant struggle, and I hate that so much of our happiness and stress levels rely on our bank account. I know that money doesn't buy happiness, but goodness is it ever hard to be happy without it. I would love to have many awesome things and go many awesome places like so many others, but we can't. I am not bitter about that, as it's our choice. I know how lucky we are to have what we do, and to have the lifestyle we have. But I just wish we were better at managing our finances so that it wasn't an issue. Because that is what it boils down to: we aren't good with money management at the moment. I am hoping we change this soon. 
So I am struggling to be more financially responsible. 
And I am struggling with this blog. Inspiration is hard to find lately, I won't lie. And even when I do have an idea, I usually choose watching TV over putting the work in here. 
So there it is. Reading back over this post, I realize that most of my struggles are emerging from not living in the now. I don't expect to solve all of this. Parenting, marriage, life itself...it's hard work. And sometimes when you live in Internet-land so much you get bombarded with posts and pictures and you start to think "Am I the only one who sucks at all this?". You aren't. And maybe you don't think that, but I do every now and then. So this post is what came from all of those thoughts bouncing around in my head. It doesn't really have much of a point I guess, but I felt like maybe being honest with the random void of the internet would maybe help in some way. 
So there you go, Random Internet Vortex. I give to you: my thoughts. Do with it what you will. 


  1. It's hard. Being a parent to two smalls is hard. I've been there. Anxiety and all. The best advice is to just hang on. I merely survived after my twins were born and then their little sister 1 1/2 years later. It's OK to just survive. To keep you and them alive and fed that's OK. Eventually you will get out of survival mode although this will dawn on you months later. Take a deep breath and breathe. As for the things like money and our body issues well sometimes we have to let those worries go for a bit. You are doing great. Please don't let anyone tell you different. Hugs. I'm here in Oregon supporting you and rooting for you.

  2. I really identify with this. I feel like I'm struggling right now too. Everything just seems harder than it should be. It comes and goes. My youngest just started waking up an hour and a half earlier than before and I'm not adjusting well. You're not alone.

  3. I felt all the same things until very recently when my youngest suddenly became less of a baby and more of a big kid. You'll get through it too.

  4. I'm so glad you wrote this post. It sums up my life perfectly!! I have a 22 month old boy and I just had a baby boy a month ago. I am a stay at home mom so with one income I understand the money issue. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. My 22 month old is super independent and my newborn sleeps a lot. I sometimes feel I am not making the best of time with him because he is just as happy playing alone. At times I feel I am the only one who feels like this. So glad to know I'm not. Hopefully things start getting better for both of us :) good luck!

  5. Oh, I have been there, Amy. It is SO MUCH HARDER when your kids are young. I highly recommend counselling (been there). I also recommend letting certain balls drop for a while (maybe blogging...) and focusing on doing stuff that you love. This will pass. Promise. It's just super sucky until it does.


  6. We've all been there to a degree! Get outside every day - especially while the weather is nice, it helps so so so much! "This too shall pass" - it doesn't help you right now, I get that....but it's so true!

  7. I can relate to every single thing that you posted, and for some reason, my return to work helped me work through a lot of it.

    I hope you can find something that will help you too. Make sure to take care of yourself; how to you expect to attend to everything you need to take care of if you neglect what you need?

    Be gentle with yourself. We put a lot of pressures on ourselves - this is both good to give things to strive for and bad because we beat ourselves up when we fall short.

  8. Sometimes I feel like we get into a rut that is hard to get out of...honestly there is a huge identity crisis that comes when you enter into motherhood. (Its there when you get married although its slightly less noticeable.) What I feel the most from your post is being overwhelmed in general - knowing something isn't right, that life shouldn't be the way it is, and then recognizing areas that are not in balance. Try to remember that life will always be a great balancing act, but maybe take some time this week to make baby steps in the broad areas you touched on: feeling exhausted all the time - focus on getting your full 7-8 hours of sleep each night - nap when your son does as well, feeling like you've let yourself go - have a dance party with your child, or take a walk together for fresh air - involve him in the physical activity...and finally make time for you to do something that allows you to relax whether that is a solo shopping trip, coffee and a book, or even just a long soak in the tub. <3 XO Courtney

  9. Girl, I know how you feel. Every single mum has moments like this, or seasons like this, everyone. Some days I think am I am all over this gig and rocking it. Then the next day will jump up and slap me hard in the face. My blog is the first place I let slide too, if I don't have the time to do things with my littles then I don't have time to go online. I tend to go in bursts, get a heap of blogging work done and planned then not even go online for days on end. It all feels so disorganised. And body wise, hmm let's just say putting on a swimsuit for the first time since CJ was born was a little confronting. Hugs mama, I am here if you need an ear xo

  10. I feel the exact same way. #nojoke. You and I would get along wonderfully, just because if you walked into my house or vice versa...there'd be nothing to judge.

  11. I have an almost-4 year old and a 4.5 month old. I get the anxiety about going out with both kids, I was REALLY worried about it. I still am. What has worked for me is setting really small, attainable goals. Go to the grocery store. But not for a weekly shop. Just for a couple of things so that you can be in and out. It's about getting comfortable with the dynamic (for your older child as well as for yourself). And, I admit it, I bribe sometimes. We have also done a couple of playground trips all together. I was nervous, but they went well. Baby steps. It is getting easier with each outing. You can do it!


Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! They make my day!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...