Hello...it's Me

Whoa. So normally I kind of hate the "sorry I haven't written" type posts, but considering the fact it's been about 2 years since my last post, I suppose there should be SOME sort of catchupiness happening here. 
So. It turns out blogging when you have 2 small boys is hard, yo. I mean, I had a lot of balls to juggle, and blogging seemed like the best one to drop. Because the other two were my boys (and that isn't a good thing, I am pretty sure we can all agree), or my ever-loving mind. I have managed to escape with that one somewhat intact, though it hasn't been without a struggle. 
Depression and anxiety are not great for my creative juices. I had opened my laptop many times and stared at the blank screen with my hands ready to type and literally nothing came to mind. It was almost like someone had deleted the writing program from my brain. I have not really written much of anything for 2 whole years, and that is pretty crappy. Because I do love to write, even if it is dumb little anecdotes. 
So, here we are. 2 years later. After therapy, and group therapy and medication and many, many, many tantrums (both from the kids and from me), and tears and laughter and joy and fun and sadness. We have made it through, and are at a point where I can put them in front of the TV to watch Penguins of Madagascar (I mean, how hilarious is Dave?!) and sneak upstairs to write this. Because the days of my children needing 140% of my time and attention are gone, and now they only need about 110%. So maybe I can use that -30% to concentrate on myself for about 20 minutes until someone needs something. I mean seriously, how many times a day can you hear the words "Mom, I'm STILL hungry!!"!?!  You are tiny little humans with stomachs the size of lemons*. I mean how much can you actually fit in there for crying out loud?? 
*please note, I have no idea what the actual size of a preschooler's stomach is. 

You know what? Parenting is hard. Being a person is also sometimes very hard. It's even harder to be a parent and also a person at the exact same time. I haven't got it mastered yet, but I am getting better at it. 
I'm sure it's been hard, in my absence, to not know what my thoughts were on (trying desperately to think of parenting issues that have happened in the last 2 years...) the Royal babies, celebrity baby names and *insert hot-button parenting issue here*, but I am sure you managed somehow. And thank you to all who wrote me a note to check in and see how I was doing, and to those who requested I start to write again. I am sure you will regret your decision soon enough. 
So here is where we are at now. Peanut (Finn) is turning 4 next week. New Baby (Q) is now 2.5 and Hubby and I are still basically the same, just with a few grey hairs. Also, Kitty is still alive and well (she is still not quite right in the head, but that is her normal, and we generally love her anyway). We moved into an awesome house last year where we finally feel completely at home. Despite my terrible past as a plant serial killer, I am trying my hand at growing some fruit and veggies in our gardens and not completely failing. So far my success rate is about 60%. The plants are being lulled into a sense of safety. I am still at home with my boys, which means I basically sit on my butt all day and watch Maury Povich (is that guy still on TV? Because Oprah isn't, right?) and eat bon-bons. 
So there we have it. When written down it sort of sounds like I haven't done much these last 2 years. Which is basically true, lets be honest. Sometimes just surviving is all the busy you can handle. 
Much love to you all. I've missed you, darlings.  xoxo

Lately

Lately I have been really bad at a few things:
Posting regularly on the ol' blogResponding to your wonderful (and much appreciated!) commentsTweetingCleaning the houseGoing to yogaKeeping my outfit clean for longer than 20 minutesResponding to emails in a timely fashionGetting a full night's sleepChanging a diaper on a wriggling octopus while trying to avoid a mess (ick). 
But, I have been getting really good at a few things too:
Watching Peanut like a hawk as he climbs a flight of stairs for the 10th time todayTeaching him how to sign "more" and working on "all done"Cooking some healthy and pretty delicious meals and snacksChasing my son around the house and attempting to minimize the damage he will cause to himself/furnitureTidying up after the disaster "Hurricane Peanut" leaves in his wakeTrying to reduce our spending and stay "on budget" (example: I made our own flour tortillas for dinner tonight instead of buying some, and they were delicious and easy! I am converted!)
So please excuse the bad. All the good is getting in the way lately. And that's just fine with me! 
Here are some other things that have happened lately:

I cut off my hair. I got pretty fed up with the damaged, thinning hair I was left with after having the babe, so I sucked it up and went and chopped it all off. This is the shortest I've ever had it, and it's been an interesting adjustment. It's not long enough to put in a ponytail anymore, which was my go-to style, so I have to learn some new tricks! 

My Mother's Day gift from Hubby was a cooking course with Chef Xavier Lacaze from Top Chef Canada!!! He's also the executive chef at Muse Restaurant here in Calgary. I am a Food Network addict, so this was the best gift ever! I went with my momma, which was awesome, and we cooked and drank wine and ate until we almost burst. It was phenomenal. The menu was right from Muse's kitchen, so we learned how to make some deliciousness that will now be in my regular rotation. And Chef Xavier was amazing! Also, I tried escargot. Honestly, they looked like the hideous little snails they were, and that was pretty tough to get over. But they just tasted like the butter and cream sauce they were cooked in. I doubt I will be eating them in the future. But glad I tried them! 

What I Wore: Wedding Edition!

So, I had a different post scheduled for today, but just couldn't resist writing this post when Megan from Absolute Mommy posted a Link-up to celebrate her 7th wedding anniversary. 
So, here is my trip down memory lane. I had sooooo much fun at our wedding. Honestly, our vision of a fun party with our family and friends, great food and great music ended up exactly how we envisioned it. We had a rather small budget, so I did a lot of things myself, which ended up being really fun, and I tried to give our wedding a personal touch through those little details. 
All photos are courtesy of the super amazing Kinga of Images By Frost

Dress: Paloma BlancaVeil: unknown...purchased it off Ebay for $10!! Shoes: Nina
Since we met in Thailand, we had our dinner catered by a local Thai restaurant. Oh man, it was so yummy! And Hubby insisted that we have pie at the reception, so we had 9 different flavours of mini-pies! Mmmm...

Ahh! I want to do it all over again! So much fun! 

Happy Anniversary Megan! May your life continue to be filled with love, laughter and adventure! 

On Becoming a Mom

Becoming a mother is a strange thing. I still don't truly feel that I "am" a mother. I feel I am in a constant state of becoming. Every day I learn new things; new ways to love, new ways to grow. My son is now 9 months old, and he has been around in the real world just as long as he has been around in my body. 
Becoming a mother is the most strange and glorious thing that has ever happened to me. 
It is so strange how much love you can feel for someone you have never met. Someone who doesn't even really exist independently of you at first. No idea if they are a boy or a girl, what they will look like, if they will be healthy, what their personality will be like. It is coupled with the anxiety and the fear of the unknown. It is a strange feeling to be so attached to something so tiny and miraculous, and something which is now so out of your control. 
Then the moment comes when your baby actually breathes. When he is there in front of you, and you embark on the next leg of your amazing journey. All of a sudden there is this new life that you are responsible for. He is small and precious and so incredibly breakable. He relies on you to survive, to give him love, to teach him how to live and learn and grow. It is an unbelievably huge amount of responsibility to lay upon someone. And yet, it is so utterly wonderful that there is no way I could trade it for the world. 
It is impossible to remember my world without him. This was something that crept up on me slowly. It was not like there was an instant switch when he was born. While I was pregnant, it was still so abstract to think of this new life that would be with us soon. After he was born it was so overwhelming. Learning all the things you need to learn in order to care for this new being is all-consuming. Or at least it was for me. I loved him like no other, but he was not entrenched within my life. Within my soul? Yes. Within my heart? Yes. But he was just so new, and the memories of my "old" life were so close. I can't say exactly when this changed. A week? A month? 6 months? But one day I just realized that there was no way I could imagine my life without my son. He is a part of me now; a part of my husband. 
Becoming a mother is a constant struggle. It is hard work. I still have those moments every day when I am amazed that I am actually a Mom. There are nights full of tears, moments of self-doubt, frustrations galore. There are days when I feel like it is impossible, and that things shouldn't be this hard. 
But there are also moments where I feel like my heart will burst with love and happiness. Moments where I look at him and think that there could not be a more perfect being in existence. There are times when my husband and I laugh so hard our tummies hurt at the crazy things he does. We have moments where we are practically exploding with pride and love. 
Becoming a mother is bittersweet. Watching him learn and grow and accomplish amazing things. Watching him discover the world around him and discover all the cool things our bodies can do. Cheering for him as he learns how to sit, how to crawl, how to clap, how to wave. And at the same time feeling the regret that he is growing so fast, and that these moments are passing us by and will never be experienced again. Packing away his little sleepers, his bassinet, his tiny shoes; these are moments that bring tears to your eyes. Tears of happiness and pride for the child he is becoming, and also tears of saying goodbye to the child he once was. 
Becoming a mother is my greatest accomplishment. It is something I long to do again sometime. It is something that I could never imagine not having done. Looking into the eyes of my son, I see what pure love looks like, feel what pure devotion feels like, and know the reason for my existence. 
Becoming. Evolving. Emerging. Growing. Transforming. 
As I watch him accomplish these feats, so do I become a mother. 

This and That

I am sitting here trying to write a blog post, and I am coming up blank. I have a few different ideas floating around, but every time I try to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard?!) I can't seem to get them how I want them. The skeleton is there, but I can't seem to flesh them out well. 
So, instead of stressing about it, I decided to just sort of let my fingers fly and whatever comes out, so be it. 
First, I got new glasses. See?

I like 'em. And the best thing was

Tag, I'm It: Random facts about me

There has been a tag game floating around in blog-land. Courtney from She's Always Loved Larking was kind enough to tag me (thanks Courtney!), and I decided to play along. I don't normally do these sorta things, but this one seemed sort of fun, and I thought it would be a good way for you guys to find out some random stuff about me. Enjoy! 

1. What's your favorite zoo animal? The apes are my favourite. Especially the gorillas. I love watching them! So amazing and so human-like. 

One of Hubby's photos from the Orangutan rehabilitation centre we visited in Indonesia. They're so beautiful! 

2. Baby Sitter's Club or Sweet Valley Twins? I used to read both (well, Sweet Valley High...not sure about the twins thing...). If I was pressed to say which I liked better I suppose I would choose BabySitter's Club, simply because I think I read them longer. 
3. What's the worst gift you've ever been given? Hmmm...to be honest I don't really know. I guess it would probably be one of the ones I have gotten from those work Christmas exchanges. For some reason I always seem to get some sort of holiday candy dish.

4. Floral or polka dots? Polka dots, hands down. I wish I could pull off either of these without feeling like a little girl though. But I love the retro polka dot look. 

I wore polka dots once...but it was for Hallowe'en. 

5. What's your No. 1 guilty pleasure song? Oh man, questions like this reveal my lameness. I don't really listen to new pop music all that often. And any guilty pleasure song would need to be pop-y. Any suggestions?
6. Can you cook? I think so...I love to cook, and my husband is always very impressed. I don't know if I would win any awards, but I am pretty sure my cooking is at least tasty...
7. Have you ever done karaoke? Yes. And it's never good. 
8. What's one country you would like to visit? Just one?!? Yikes. I've always wanted to go to India. But there are like 25 countries on the list of "places I would like to travel next". 
9. Heels or flats? I love the look of heels, but I almost always choose flats. Sometimes I feel like I walk funny in heels, and it bugs me.

10. Do you have Bieber Fever? Nope. Not at all. I think I am a wee bit too old. But I am happy for his success, and definitely don't hate him. I suppose I am "Bieber Indifferent". 
11. Coke or Pepsi? Oh man, this is a loaded question. Growing up, my dad has worked for both companies for rather long periods of time, so the choice is always a political one. Haha. For the last few years, our choice is Pepsi. However, in Thailand, I would often dream about getting to the 7-11 to grab an ice-cold bottle of Coke. Really, they both have their places. But I must officially say that Pepsi, is by far, hands down, the most superior cola (for now)!  ;)

We were in the Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon) airport in Vietnam and we paid $9 whole American dollars for these 3 cans of pop. But man did they taste goooooood...

The second part of the challenge is to name 11 random things about myself. So here ya go:
1. I can play the piano, and have since I was a little girl. I also used to play the clarinet in highschool. 

Hubby's photo, my hands :)

2. I like even numbers (and multiples of 5). So if we have event tickets, I always take the even numbered seat. 3.  I have the very strange ability to remember song lyrics to almost every song I hear. Sometimes I wish I could clear some of them out to make room for more important stuff. 4. I must have something sweet after eating lunch and dinner. A cookie, a piece of chocolate, anything that will leave a sweet taste in my mouth. 5. My first job was in a movie theatre. After that, I worked at Blockbuster Video. So I have seen a lot of movies. 6. I had an article published in a Thailand tourism magazine. 7. I have bungee jumped. I will never do it again. Ever. 8. I have been scuba diving with leopard sharks (not people-eating ones). I would do that again in a heartbeat.9. I am a big fan of Marilyn Monroe, and have a bit of a collection of books and photos of her.

10. I love crossword puzzles. 11. I had never seen the movie "Back to the Future until 2 weeks ago. Hubby forced me to watch it.

So, as with most of these things, I am supposed to come up with my own questions, and then tag 11 other people. However, I never pass on chain letters/emails/Facebook statuses. Sorry! I suck, I know. I take all the fun out of everything. Boo! Hiss! Feel free to tag yourself though, and get it rolling again! 

Those Small Things

I feel like it's the time of year that is leading to a very difficult time in the inspiration/motivation/productivity department. Let's call it the January Blahs. Well, I have them. Big time. Now that the holidays are over, and life has returned to "normal", we are back in our same old routine. So now it's the small things that happen that make the days stand out. 
The small joy of cozying up on the couch under a big blanket with a mug of cocoa and a good book.
The small joy of not getting out of pjs all day, just because you can. 
The small joy of baby giggles for no reason. 
The small joy of cuddles with Hubby after the little one finally goes to sleep. 
The small joy of waking up every day to see this adorable face

Sometimes the small joys are the things that make life interesting, and it's important to remember to be thankful for them. So thank you!