For some context to this post, check out my first birth story here, and my previous post about our VBAC dilemma here.
As the days leading up to my due date are quickly flying by, it is seeming more and more like surgery is going to be our fate.
If you read my previous post about our VBAC dilemma, you will know I was conflicted about what to do with this pregnancy and delivery. In the end, after weighing our options and discussing it all with my OB, we decided the best choice for us would be to book a scheduled cesarian section for 40 weeks (my due date), and if I go into labour beforehand naturally, we would attempt a VBAC. My OB thought this plan would give me the best chance of having a "natural" birth (I dislike this term, but will use it for lack of a better one...). It gave me the extra time to go into labour on my own, but since this baby is looking to be pretty large (although not as large as Peanut!), which was a big factor in why my previous birth ended in surgery, if we waited too long we might be setting ourselves up for another failed labour.
And that is sort of my fear; that if we attempt a labour and delivery again that it will fail, and I will have endured all that pain and effort and feel like it was all for nothing again. In comparison, the scheduled surgery just seemed a lot more calm and at least we know what to expect.
I have never felt 100% about this decision, or any of the other options. I wish there was a third choice (baby magically transports outside of body?!?). Mostly because I have a big fear of the unknown and of things I have no control over. I like to feel like I am in control, but as we all know these little people have a way of taking that all away from you, even from the very beginning!
Because my belly is very large again, I have been assuming that I would go into labour before the surgery. I don't know why this would be any different than last time. I was huge last pregnancy and Peanut was stubborn until the very end, staying in as long as he possibly could. I guess I just assumed my water would break, or I would start having regular contractions and I would get that whole experience (we were induced last time, so that never happened for me). There is still time (4 more days), but as the hours fly by I am becoming more accepting of the fact that a surgery is going to be the most likely option at this point.
I know that it can change at any moment, and the plan is still to attempt labour if it does, but I guess I have just become rather apathetic about the whole thing. Not to say that I am not worried, as I most definitely am. Both options are scary to me, and I am very worried.
So much so, in fact, that I have given very little thought to actually meeting this new little guy. Last night Hubby was watching the hockey game, and the announcer was interviewing the curler Kevin Martin. My Dad was a competitive curler back in the day, and so when Hubby said "Are you excited to meet him?" I was super confused. Why would I be meeting Kevin Martin? Was my Dad going to some sort of Brier event? And why would I be excited about it? I mean, I am sure he's a super interesting guy, but he is not really on my list of "People I Would Be Excited To Meet". Most people probably don't even know who he is. I just sat in confused silence for a minute or 2 until he rephrased the question to "Aren't you excited to meet our little guy?!" CLICK. Ohhhhhhhh. Yes, I suppose I am. But to be honest I haven't really thought much about it, and that makes me a little sad. I have thought a lot about the birth and that whole experience. And I have thought a lot about the logistics of after his arrival; how things will go, how Peanut will do with a new baby brother, nursing, all that jazz. But I haven't thought much about what he will look like, be like, smell like. I haven't though much about whether he will look like his brother. And it's hard to do that, because I am so preoccupied with the fear of the birth itself.
One good thing about that though is that I get to be awestruck and surprised about him when he does finally make his arrival, however that happens. We still don't have a name chosen for him. So it's going to be a decision we make once we see his adorable face. And that's the thing I try to keep remembering: the birth experience will be over, and it will soon be a memory. The most important thing is that he is coming. One way or another, he is going to make his grand entrance into this wonderful old world, and we will get to meet him. How he arrives doesn't really matter in the long run, as long as it is safely.
And so whether he comes on Wednesday when he is scheduled to be born, or before then if he comes on his own time, he is coming.
I'm Amy, and I'm a Mommy with nary a clue as to how to do this whole "parenting" thing. As a former traveler, I view this as another journey, although this time without a map, a plan or a clue! We call Canada home.